Max Payne: So many corny ways to say it, but – it sucked

I saw the reviews. They sucked. I heard through the grapevine, that it sucked. But still I didn’t want to believe it at first. I had to see it with my own eyes to make sure. Only then did I feel that I could truly say whether or not it was “suck” or not.

And it was.

Nothing gelled. There was this false sense of urgency for no real reason. Characters said that this person or that person was this or that way, but it didn’t gel with what you were seeing on screen. The pacing was too fast in some places, not fast enough in others. It was half video-game-shootout, half -sloppy-crime-drama. And not the best of either half, either.

It was: A big-budget, low-grade B-rate movie. Hell, with a mere 18% on the tomatometer, maybe I should have known. I mean, my taste sways a bit and sometimes I like what isn’t top-rated, but I can’t think of any other film that’s been below 20% and gotten the nod from me. Might have to change the rules a bit: only believe your own eyes, unless the reviews score below 25% or something.

It’s corny, but hey: Max Payne is Max Pain. Ouch.