Movie: Duplicity

Duplicity is a movie that lives up to its name, I guess. I both liked portions of it, and quite disliked other aspects of the film. A lot of today’s flicks are very devoid of any sort of compelling or interesting storytelling. Not that the overall ideas are bad, it’s just that they’re connected in practice very awfully, making logical jumps that are less than the name implies, being illogical at best and mind-numbingly insulting at worst. 

It didn’t suffer that fate, the story starts out interesting, and does something that I haven’t seen done well in a long while: build & maintain suspense. I was suspensed. Is that a word? Is now. Suspensed.

OK so what was wrong with the movie? Two things. First and most glaringly, they cast Julia Roberts as the sexy, smart, sassy leading woman. And look, I got nothing against the Pretty Woman, but let’s be real here: that was 20 years ago and she was already into her prime at that point, OK? It really was this elephant in the room the whole movie, me & The Girl looking at the screen, watching Clive Owen stare longingly into her eyes like she was Marissa Miller in a Fruit Roll-Up bikini or something, then WE look at each other, checking the screen again to make sure it wasn’t a joke, and then simultaneously saying “eewwwww…”

Because she looked like a grandma. She looked, actually, like a pregnant grandma, at about 4 months in. Clive Owen’s a handsome middle-aged man, and they’ve got him totally doe-eyed over some chubby geriatric, and honestly? It’s kind of gross. Bothered us the whole way through the film, and made me dread ever getting as old as Julia Roberts. 

I know you don’t believe me, right? I mean she was PRETTY WOMAN FOR CRIST’S SAKE, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING YOUNG ‘BOB?!?!?! Well to that I say, watch the film for yourself. You too will throw up a little in your mouth at the sight, and owe me $20. That’s right, I just placed that bet.

Second ‘problem’ I had with the film was the lack of ending. Sort of. They DO conclude it rather well, it’s not a bad ending per se, it’s just that it almost posed more questions that it answered, and I am not one to like being left in suspense; I like conclusions that answer all my questions. I don’t want to give it away to anyone that hasn’t seen it yet (remember the bet!), so I won’t go into detail. I will only say that they answer a question that is formed in your mind 5 minutes before the film ends, then they ask another question shortly afterwards, that gets you thinking “yeah, what about that?” and then they don’t even bother acknowledging said question was asked. They just roll credits.

Would I recommend the movie? Depends. How good is your eyesight? How big is the TV? Is it HD? Because I think there’s a scale here. If your’e eyesight’s good and it’s on a big HDTV, then maybe you should avoid it, and the recommendation actually grows in inverse quantities to the quality of the image, in this regard. As far as story, if you can hold your thumb up and cover up Julia when she’s on screen, then the story’s a winner almost until the credits roll, and yeah I’d recommend it with no further qualifications (other than the thumb thing).

Of course then again, there is that bet; perhaps I should be recommending it no matter what. $20 bills in DROVES, I tell you. Just email them to me.

Battlestar Galactica Under Review

I was tipped off to the show by a handful of people. Most said, if I liked Lost – which of course I do – then I would probably also like Battlestar Galactica. OK fine, after a few years of not watching it, I figured I’d take a chance and throw it on the ol’ Netflix Queue.

Received and watched the first disc, which was basically just a miniseries. I liked it. The concept of the show and the themes it dealt with were pretty interesting; a story about humanity and our sins and shortcomings, and what it means to “be alive,” and what it means to earn it. I liked the concept quite a bit and added the rest of the discs for season 1.

So far I’m halfway through the 3rd disc of that season. And right about now, it’s starting to lose it’s appeal ever so slightly.



“Frak this”
OK I get it: it’s on a cable channel that doesn’t like to allow cussing. I get it. But? Seriously? “Frak?” And they use it so damned much. I must admit that I’d really prefer they used the workarounds we’re all familiar with instead, so that “I don’t give a frak, ma’am” would actually be easily translated into “I don’t give a crap, ma’am.” See? Both avoid using “F*ck,” but one sounds like something you’re familiar with, with the other sounds like it was designed to make you laugh at its ridiculousness.

This may sound like a strange critique coming from a guy who says “f*ck” instead of “Fuck” in his own site, but I maintain: they’re different. You read “F*ck” and in your mind you’re saying “fuck,” whereas you hear “frak” and you just laugh out loud (lol). So there.


Logical inconsistencies
The humans in this show are running away from the robotic workers they created that revolted. They are faster, smarter, stronger, blah blah blah “I’ll be back” and all that BS. So. They seem to be one step ahead of us and have huge computational advantages. HOWEVER, I just got through watching an episode that contained not one, not two, but THREE logical inconsistencies in just one section. I shall now bore you with the details:

A fighter pilot – human – shoots down one of the robotic space fighters. They collide and both wash up on some moon. The human pilot finds the wrecked – I use this term loosely – robot fighter. She finds it and wouldn’t you know, it’s bleeding. Why? Because they’re alive, which is a clever plot development, EXCEPT that we already sort of know this because they have human-like models, and it’s also enormously stupid. Why? Well if you’re building a being whose purpose is to fly around in the vacuum of space and kill things, you don’t want it to be organic because then it’s for more susceptible to failure and has to have life support systems. The robot army would have noticed this, and would not have made a ship/robot that needed life support systems when they could have just kept it nuts, bolts, and circuits and had it live forever, essentially.

Now it gets worse. This pilot wants to fly the crashed robot fighter back to her ship. The problem? The ship is a being unto itself, it is not piloted by a robot, it is the robot. Now, I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that a mouse couldn’t crawl up my dead ass and find levers to control functions like my arms and legs and speech; I’m me, there’s no controls for that, the controls are my brain. Well it’s the same with this ship – it’s “alive,” it shouldn’t have controls.


Except it does. Which is utterly ridiculous, because if it has a “brain” to control these functions, it shouldn’t have levers and stuff.

Thridly, let’s not forget she shot it out of space. This created bullet holes. We saw these as she walked up to it. Well, it turns out that apparently you can just stuff a jacket into these holes and properly seal a damaged ship for space flight. With a parka. Seal. A. Space. Ship. With cotton.

… rrriiiiiigggghhhtttt…


But Still
It could be intriguing. I can see why people would recommend it to followers of Lost. And I think that I have the time to spare on my Netflix queue, that I can give it time to develop. More time, that is. See if it finds its stride before I find my blanket and pillow, or worse, my laptop and a long streak of hate to spew.

I’ll keep you updated.

Conan O'brien is not funny

It’s supposed to be higher-level comedy. Or so I’m told. But holy hell, I just can’t get into the guy. He’s not funny, he’s just awkward. Hell there’s nothing wrong with being tall dude, but damn, you gotta tell some jokes that actually land once in a while if you’re going to be a comedian.

It used to be – in the era of Dave vs Leno – that I’d start the night watching Leno. Yes I’ll admit it, on his own I think that Leno is actually funnier; his monologue is better, and I liked most of his skits better than Dave’s, and loved Headlines especially (Stupid Human Tricks? Not so much, Dave). Then when that second commercial break came, it was off to watch Letterman. Why? Because when it comes to guest interaction, Dave makes every interview fun. Especially the odd ones, the awkwards, the just plain rude & nasty ones.

Now though, Dave just plain has the upper hand. I’m not sure where Conan O’brien fits. But I think it’s definitely not The Tonight Show.

Being funny-looking isn’t enough, Conan. You’re not funny. That’s what’s missing from your act – comedy. Think I’m being harsh? Think it’s wrong to just blithely say Conan O’Brien is not funny? OK then, you made me do this. You made me link you to some good Conan Tonight Show goodness. Enjoy, b*tches.

There. It’s over now. Don’t ever make me do that again. Ever.

311 hasn't been good in a decade

Have you heard this new song by 311, “Hey You?” Every time I hear it, I just can’t help but imagine some guy talking to his own penis. I’ve heard rock songs sing about a multitude of mundane and odd things, from the story of a guy that can’t sleep one night, all the way to a song about garage sales. But never a love ballad sung to one’s own penis. Until now, apparently. This whole song could be sung to an attached penis and be completely valid.

Which I guess is fitting, seeing as how 311 has become a band of penises. BOY their new music sucks. Gone are the glory days, eh guys?

Retire. Immediately. And take U2 & The Offspring with you.

I Just took a Papa Roach (Sh*t)

I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not a music junkie. But it’s there, or maybe it’s missing. It’s something.

Recently the local radio station had been playing this song that I decided I really liked and had to have. You know how the radio stations love to play songs and then not tell you who the hell they are? This proves to be especially true when it’s a song you like. Thank dog for the internet, huh?

I searched for and found the song & artist: it’s 1901 by Phoenix, a french band that just got my 99¢ business (thanks, iTunes!). Anyway, I liked the beat a lot but hell if I could actually make out their damn french accents and understand what the hell they were saying. Thank dog for the internet, huh? Not a few seconds later and I found the lyrics on some random site that’s like 12-million others that serve the same function.

Side note: why don’t the song files from shops like iTunes and Amazon just include the damn lyrics?

So anyway, back to Papa Roach. When I got home from work last night, the lyrics page was still up. There was an advertisement for new Papa Roach album, and I decided to click on it. Their old stuff was fabulous, especially the tracks that didn’t get airtime on the radio, and when I’m in a “Heavy Alternative” mood, their songs get some playtime every time.

So it was sad when I actually landed on the page and got a sneak preview. Really sad. Like, not just :-( but :’( and also maybe a little :-D because it was so awful. They sold out. They freaking sold the f*ck out, hardcore. Gone was the old, good Papa Roach, and here to stay was some Emo’d-out, fake-as-f*ck whine-fest. It was so bad that it sounded like it could have been Country “music.” It was Chevy commercial. It was… now see this is where I have the problem describing it. I know it when I hear it, and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m not a music junkie. But it’s there, or maybe it’s missing. It’s something.

I don’t like to use the term “Sell-out” often, because it’s overused. Sometimes “true fans” like to use that term because suddenly their band gets discovered and thusly popular. It always seemed quite dishonest to say you’re a true fan of a band, and then when they finally find what they got into the game for (fame & fortune & a large following), they’re shunned by their fans? Huh? Like now they’re mad that they have to share, and that the band “made it.” Shouldn’t they be happy? Eh.


OK so popularity isn’t a requisite for “selling out.” And so I hesitate to use that term. Here though, it’s accurate – nay – necessary. When you’ve gone and changed your visual style, when you no longer sound like you… when your music is so over-produced that it sounds indistinguishable from some shlop on some fake-high-school-drama-show, or IS the shlop on some fake-high-school-drama-show, then you’re a sell out.

Thanks, Papa Roach. Now I have to go take a bath. I’ll probably have to burn my old CD of yours, too. I don’t want flashbacks, thankyouverymuch.

Go ahead. If you’re normally an Alternative music fan, I dare you to listen. Dare you.

Jimmy Fallon gets HIS OWN SHOW?!?! WTF?!!!!

Who THE F*CK gave Jimmy Fallon a godd*mned show? Who the f*ck did this?

F*ck you. F*ck you and DIE.

I hate – HATE – Jimmy Fallon. He’s... how best to say this... Not funny? Yeah, I think that’s it.

I understand they have some time slots to fill. But Jimmy? Really? What, was Ben Stein unavailable? What about Joaquin Phoenix?

Hell, I’d rather watch him sit around angry & confused as different people seem to be coming and sitting on his couch and he can’t figure out why. I’d rather watch this every night than watch Jimmy Fallon.

SO. As I was saying, F*CK YOU AND DIE.

I don't like Brad Pitt

I just… gaaah, I just don’t. I have just now returned from watching a new trailer over at apple’s Movie Trailers website, this time having viewed Inglorious Basterds. It’s a new film from Quentin Tarantino, who makes movies that aren’t really that coherent or valuable. Anyway, this isn’t about him; it’s about Brad Pitt.

Go and watch the damned trailer. Watch his performance. Cringe. Then return here!

He’s been in like 40 or something movies. Two of these are worth watching, Se7en, and Snatch. Now I will give him credit where credit is due: he gave a wonderful performance in Snatch. Se7en on the other hand, sort of sucked a minor bit. Yes look, I know it’s highly-acclaimed and all, it stars Kevin Spacey & Morgan Freeman – two of my favorite actors – but here’s what I’m saying: that movie was everything it was despite Brad Pitt. He brought nothing to the film short of some bad script reading & ill-placed everything. Making a face? Bad time for it. Making a noise? Wrong noise. Being Brad Pitt? Wrong actor.

He never adds anything to a film. He’s always Brad Pitt, in a role in a movie (Snatch being the exception). It’s like he shows up from pretty-boy class, gets handed the script, reads the three lines for the scene, and then they shoot. That’s every Brad Pitt Moment in cellophane. He just sucks as an actor.

There, I said it. I feel better now. And he’s not really that pretty either. It’s true, ladies.

I really hope that he & Angelina Jolie sort of implode and never make another movie ever again. And I hope that Quentin Tarantino takes note, and stops while he still has a shot at life.

Bob Seger Sucks. No, Really

Funny, in that researching yesterday’s post more, I discovered that most of the music I was critiquing as the “Limbo Era,” turns out that most of the music was actually Bob Seger music.

Who is this clown and his Silver Bullet Band? What, is that a clue? Are they all talent vampires?

I mean, let’s look at “Old Time Rock & Roll” for a minute. They guy… is critiquing the songs of his era! And it seems – unbeknownst to him – that this includes his crappy-ass music! How does he not get this? How does he not see that indeed, I would like to take those old records off the shelf, because indeed, today’s music - YOUR music – does not have the same soul. It’s soulless trash, Mr. Seger. Seriously, what was he thinking? He wrote a song, trashing his own music. Sort of like that stupid motherf*cker that spouts off before he thinks, saying “guys who where pink shirts are idiots,” before glancing down at the pink shirt they’re wearing and thinking oh sh!t did I just do that?

Bob’s music; it is like listening to a thousand babies being bored – literally – to death. His music sounds like a bad commercial jingle, you know? That just keeps on going! As evidence of this, I submit to you as exhibit A, “Like a Rock,” the f*cking most annoying song ever used in an f*cking advertisement (thanks, Chevy. Maybe that’s why you’re going under. Karma’s a bitch).

Don’t even get me stared on “Katmandu,” that place he really really wants to go to that I’d quite honestly like him to go to as well. And here’s to hoping they take away his guitar & mic when he gets there.

I also noticed that his solo music is conspicuously absent from the iTunes music store. Clearly, iTunes has higher standards.

Thinking about it, knowing what I know now, makes me want to ask the question, “Alright, who gave Bob the guitar for Christmas? Who was it?” And it also makes me want to consider renaming the “Limbo Era” of music the “Bob Seger Sucks Era of Music.”


Why, God? Why did you invent Bob Seger? Is he the devil?

Yes!?! Holy f*ck. That explains so much.

Today's News: Yahoo Titles ftw, Sony commentary, & Music notes

Yahoo News for the Win!
I know it’s obvious, but the lead-in for an article about a tornado going through Oklahoma? “Oklahoma Tornado Leaves Path of Destruction.”

You know, in case someone thought that perhaps a tornado might leave a path of peach cobbler or something. “Oklahoma Tornado Leaves Path of Construction.” “Oklahoma Tornado Leaves Path of Yellow Bricks.”

What else do they think we might assume it would leave, exactly?



The “Limbo Era” of Music
Talking with an employee tonight at work, and discussing our apparently-similar tastes in music – or at least, our similar tastes in music we extremely dislike – we named this particular period of music. Late-70’s, you know it when you hear it. It’s not rock, it’s not pop, it’s not disco… it’s just pathetic. Think “Katmandu.” Hear this in your head: “Just take those old records off the shelf…”

Yeah. You get the idea. What the f*ck is this sh!t? It’s not rock (even though it talks about it in the song title!). It’s not pop. It’s not… well hell, it’s not even good. What do we call it then?

The “Limbo Era.” They were coming down off the hard sh!t they were high on for so long, and they hadn’t quite perfected the bad hairdos & horrible fashion sense or electronic piano rhythms that would come to suckify the 80’s. So they just sang generic, not-worth-writing-and-singing crap-fests.

Ah, those were the days. No, wait. No they weren’t! wtf?!



Best. Onion Video. EVER.
Probably the most accurate commentary on Sony EVER.

Sony releases Stupid Piece of Sh!t that doesn’t f*cking work.

Sony: taking years off of the lives of the tech-illiterate for 30 years.

Random Postage-Due Occurrences

Yesterday was an odd occurrence: we received a chain letter at work.

And I don’t mean I opened my email, and there was this forwarded email about making a wish and then forwarding the email to 10 people or else I’d be hit with 3 years of bad luck, just like these other people who got hit by a car THE VERY NEXT DAY AND DIED or got syphilis and typhoid and genital warts. I mean that the mail carrier came up to me, and said “this is yours.”

Not quite. He came up to me and said that we had a letter that had been sent to us postage due. $1.68. Not only that, but there was no return address. So, no return address, no postage, and I’m on the verge of saying “I don’t want it.” I mean, what if it’s anthrax? What if it’s pornographic material? A Bomb? But it’s not my company, hell it’s not even my store, so I figure that just to be safe, I’ll run it by the Store Manager, see what he wants to do with it.

Good thing I did, let me tell you, and not just because the Store Manager said “pay for it.” That has to be the first step, but what followed was pure hilarity. OK yeah it was a chain letter, but it was more than that. It’s hard to explain, but let’s try by example. It was 30 pages or so, and it ranged from a personal ad for a cross-dressing homosexual, to the expanation of Jehovah’s Witnesses as an evil cult, to lawsuit information for god-knows-what. The first page was a flyer to try out to be the boyfriend of this person as well as the lead singer in the band they were hoping to form (I can only guess it was the person in the personals ad you’re auditioning for). No kidding; auditions to be the boyfriend AND Lead Singer of this yet-to-be-created band. And you couldn’t just sing any songs you chose, you had to sing a particular set of songs outlined in this boyfriend/lead singer audition list, and do it right goddammit.

Wow. Talk about strict requirements, eh? Good LUCK finding someone to fill that role, ma’am or sir (whatever you are/prefer).

So. Glad. We. Accepted. That. Letter. $1.68 does not even begin to come close to the worth of this chain letter. How often… When was the last ti-… it’s not every day you get that kind of laugh in the mail.

So worth it.

Pumpkins for Obama

Look! Even pumpkins are smart enough to vote the right way. He just showed up on our doorstep in November 4th, and gave a spiel about why we (and other humans as well as pumpkins) should vote for Obama this fine day. Laid it all out on the table, explained the tax systems and everything.

OK I lied.

The other day when The Girl got home she actually took the time to read my blog. This happens maybe once a week, and usually I get scorned for it. It’s OK, don’t feel bad – I’m used to it.

But she saw the bare pumpkin pic, and decided to take action. So in celebration of America not being completely retarded, We now have (and put out on our porch! Talk about fair-weather friends, eh?) a “Pumkin for Obama.”

This does not mean, however, that he can come here and take it. It’s ours.

So, yeah. We’re not into Halloween much, but apparently, politics gets us all into the mood to carve up a pumpkin. Man; we are weird...

Yahoo! News: Babies & Sugar

So many things wrong with this headline
From my at&t Yahoo! Homepage: Couple’s accidental meeting surprises parents.

So the story goes like this: These two crazy kids are born on the same day 25 years ago at the same hospital in the same room. The mom of the son runs into this girl at work, as they actually work together. She sets up a meeting between the two, and they hit it off and get married.

OK now, two things strike me off the bat. First off, they didn’t “accidentally meet.” The mom set them up. The mom & the daughter accidentally met, but that’s not what the headline said, now is it? No, it said the parents were surprised that the children accidentally met 25 years later.

2nd thing, and one that happens often with at&t Yahoo! lately, is that it’s under the heading of “Dow Jones Marketwatch.“

Yeah you got me on that one, too. I haven’t the slightest how this relates to the Dow Jones Market. At all. But hell if that doesn’t stop Yahoo from giving us these stories about weekly, from house care to lawn furniture choices to proper BBQ techniques. All, apparently, related to the Dow Jones Marketwatch.

I had no idea they were that widespread.



Thanks, Captain Obvious (Formerly Cap’n Crunch)
Apparently, these cereals – not any others! – are high in sugar. Seriously, it’s spot-on journalism like this that keeps me informed. How the hell else would I be able to guess that a cereal like “Honey Smacks” or Cookie Crisp” or “Lucky Charms,” what with its colorful MARSHMALLOWS, might be unhealthy?

Thank you, Consumer Reports. I’m glad you’re out there, eating all the sugary snacks, instead of, say, testing vehicle safety or something.

?

Premonition: This movie's going to stink

It starred Sandra Bullock, OK? Give me a break. I mean, she usually does decent movies, right? (Miss Congeniality, anyone? Oops, forgot about that one, and two) Well this movie didn’t get the ravest of reviews to begin with, but it’s new and we have room to spare on our Netflix queue, so what the hell, we figured.

We figured wrong. There’s so many plot holes and inconsistencies that really, it’s not worth watching. It’s either trying to say that you can’t change the future, or that you can. But it – much like Déjá Vu before it – sort of decides to do both. Which, uh, is impossible seeing as how those ideas are mutually exclusive concepts.

Déjá Vu however, was entertaining and exciting at least. This thing, however, played more like a damn Made-for-TV pathetic-fest, but starting Sandra Bullock. And honestly, I feel taken. Screw the election, screw government corruption & cover-ups, this is what I plan to write my congressman about: a damn D- movie. Take that, Hollywood.

Most Unnecessary Title Ever?

This is old news by now, but…

The title for this article from my Yahoo! Home page: “Big Bang Machine Doesn’t Destroy World”

… Really? Huh. Hadn’t noticed. :-|

Tommy Lee Jones suing makers of NCFOM

Count me in! Sh!t, after having to suffer through that weird jumble of unrelated scenes they tried to call a movie, I feel that I, too, deserve $10 million.

I mean yeah, he acted in it and all, but my pain is partly his fault. I bought some of the hype surrounding that suck-fest of a movie because a decent name like his was in it. Hook line & sinker, in fact. I figured it was a shoe-in for a “add to my collection” kind of movie. How surprised was I when it turned out to be the discombobulated mess that it was?

Pretty surprised, I say! No Country for Old Men? I’d prefer No Country for Sucky Movies, really. Or more precisely, No Country for Old Men trying to make Sucky Movies.

Saw Disturbia, By the Way

When it first came out, The Girl really wanted to see it. I was a little less gung-ho about it, but was willing to watch. However the little woman became a little disenchanted over the flick when she went to pick it up at the local video store around the time we got Netflix workin’ for us (so obviously, this was a while back). The video store clerks pretty much told her it was “eh.” She, for whatever reason, took this as fact, and rented something else that probably sucked – I can’t remember honestly.

Anyway, I subsequently threw it to the rear-end of our queue. Well last week it finally made its way to the front of the line and showed up at our door. Perhaps it was the lowered expectations, perhaps it was that half-a-beer I had thrown down earlier, but either way, Disturbia proved to be a LOT more watchable than I had figured it would be. I actually enjoyed it. Believe that!

This is despite the presence of Shia leBarf, whom I typically dislike with lots of, dislikiness. Maybe it’s because the character he played was for the most part just a little wannabe dipshit in the first place (reminded me of my own brother), but he didn’t seem to be doing too bad a job in the movie. And if you’re a male and on the fence about seeing it still, how’s this: there’s a hot babe in it that likes to show off her bikini bod often enough.

The basic premise is that some kid (Shia LeBarf) winds up in house arrest. He becomes restless, and starts to suspect his neighbor is actually a serial killer. He also has a hot babe move in next door and spies the hell out of her. We assume he’s, you know, while doing this. Because I would have, and let’s be honest, if you’re male & straight you would have too if you were him. Anyway, totally against the grain of reality, it turns out she likes him. Shenanigans ensue, whereby they do stakeouts and try to break into is neighbor’s place to prove his dastardliness. They are patently bad at this.

It has a happy-enough ending, if a little too lighthearted considering all that transpires before it. But it’s still enjoyable entertainment with enough suspense to be engaging.

The only thing I didn’t like what the huge, huge setup for how the main character came to be under house arrest. I don’t want to ruin the movie for ya, but let’s just say that possibly the most important event in his life happens, and then pretty much goes unmentioned for the whole rest of the film. I mean sh!t, they could have just had it be that he got caught joyriding or something. Something. Maybe he brought a knife to school accidentally but got sent up the river by the school bully. Something other than what they went with and then never followed up on.

Overall: it’s decent. I say it warrants a B-.

The REAL Dark Knight, & iTunes Logic

It’s Finally here: The Abridged Script for The Dark Knight.
Read all about it. READ IT GODAMMIT! Yeah I liked the movie, yeah it’s pretty good, but c’mon, it’s got tons of folly to it. It’s riddled with plot holes & plot devices (that sounds sort of sexual, doesn’t it?) that are there because without them, the movie would just have to end at about the 45-minute mark, because it’s otherwise impossible to make the jump to the rest of the implausible story.

A friend and I yesterday were discussing our least-favorite things about it. He called shenanigans on the whole “Maggie falls from a building onto the top of a car and LIVES.” I still think that the Joker being OMNIPOTENT and knowing things no one could know in order to make a ridiculous set of plans work is the most shenanigan of all, however.

Favorite line from the Abridged Script?

HEATH LEDGER [to Maggie Gyllenhal @ party]
I can wait. Want to hear a story? Once upon a time, I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Er, no, I mean in complete contrast to you. You’re actually kind of a butterface. But at least you’re not Katie Holmes, I like that.
BAT-BALE
Then you’re gonna love me!

It’s so great because it digs so hard @ Katie Homely, then ties right back into the actual movie lines. It’s just brilliant.



Artists Avoiding iTunes because: Singles are cannibalizing Album Sales
Well duh. Look, I think it’s a sad statement to make that you’re keeping your music off iTunes (Kid Rock) because people don’t want to buy your entire album. You know what that essentially means? Your music is largely crap. You want me to buy an album instead of the two good songs on that album? How about this: don’t put two GOOD songs on an album and then fill it with absolute crap-as-filler. Try that. See if that works. Maybe album sales will go up if albums, you know, don’t suck.

If you’re of the mindset that I should own your entire CD to “understand” your music, then there’s something about your audience I think you should “understand”: We don’t care about your semi-rich people problems. We like one or two songs, we really only want those one or two songs. I don’t feel like paying you for sh!t I don’t like.

I know it’s weird, but how’s this for a trade: I’ll buy your crappy songs I don’t want, if you buy my crappy macaroni art that I glued onto some pieces of white paper that nobody wants. Deal?

F*cking Putzes.

Buffalo Adventures, Beer Adventures, & Republican Bashing

Mmmmmm…. Bison!
Holy crap I ate a buffalo. Sort of on accident. Kind of.

When I went shopping a couple of weeks ago – our monthly expedition on which we stock up for the entire month, including meats – I wanted a couple of sirloins. Of which, it turned out they had none. I’m friendly with the guy behind the counter, and he said that he did have some Buffalo behind the scenes, if I’d like to try that. Would I like to try that?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Well a couple of days ago, The Girl gets out some meat for us to BBQ, and gets the marinate underway. Then of course, I throw it on the barbie, and we get to grubbing a short while later. Gobbled it all up, didn’t really think much about it other than should have put more salt on these bad boys.

Anyway, as we were cleaning up and thinking about dinner for the next day, I said “let’s try the buffalo!” And The Girl went looking through our Dead Cow stuff to pull it out. ...And couldn’t find it. Looked around, thought maybe he didn’t actually get it for me. Then thought to pull the sirloin wrappers out of the trash (I’m an expert trash digger btw), and sure enough, it’s clearly marked “Buffalo Sirloins.”

I’d say ‘tastes like chicken,’ but that’s far too cliché, and wildly inaccurate – though still highly entertaining. I will say this, though: It didn’t taste drastically different from the free-range cattle we sustain ourselves on. But it costs more. Which means, of course, that we probably won’t be doing buffalo again soon. Unless it’s on you, in which case, I’ll fire up the barbie.



Cheap Date
OK another dinner-related story. Yesterday I get home from work and there’s a half a beer on the counter. I ask what’s up, The Little Woman tells me that it’s for me. Apparently her roast recipe called for half a beer or something, and for a man to drink the rest of it. Betty Crocker promoting drunken men, who knew? But, cool, whatever.

So those of you who know me know I don’t drink. Like, much ever. This escapade I think takes me up to 1-1/2 beers this year. And as I tried to finish off this half-a-beer, it really became apparent. Because 1) even only half a beer is damn challenging for me to throw down, and 2) not 30 minutes later I could feel that I was drunk.

Yes, that’s right, you give me half a beer, and you can do whatever you want with me. ‘bob’s a cheap date.

Hell, skip the beer – you can still probably do what you want with me ;-)



The Mclaughlin Group
I watch a lot of PBS. I don’t have cable, and I find that other than the corny stuff, PBS usually fits the bill (especially the nature programming). Anyway, last night after our scheduled Nature Show, They had The Mclaughlin Group on. Tuned in to watch, and something stood out to me: Namely, that the hardline republicans, the American Apologists, really don’t sound all that smart. They were discussing the recent quagmire WRT Georgia & Russia. Most of the people on the set were talking about how it’s in America’s best interests to back off of this issue, because in all reality, it’s better to keep friendly ties w/ Russia than it is to protect Georgia, which we’re not that into protecting anyway.

One of the sticking points was whether Russia was provoked or “invaded” Georgia. Turns out that despite how the Bush Regime and the US media spins it, Georgia actually drew first blood by invading Ossetia, a province sort of loyal to Russia that’s trying to be annexed a lil’; shown a lil’ love, you know?

Anyway, Russia strikes back, and it’s being shown as the ‘aggressor’ in the situation. Everyone pretty much agreed that given the facts, it’s sort of not the case. Everyone, except a blond hardliner. Despite the fact that the facts, she maintained that Russia was the aggressor and should be stopped. No matter how many times they pointed out that GEORGIA INVADED OSSETIA, she would not relent. She then went on to say that Russia should not be allowed to invade other countries to spread their influence, as it’s just wrong, blah blah blah.

Oh really?

Wonder where she’s been the last 5 years or so. You know, during which time her lovely bushie hero has been trying to spread his influence with bullets. Look b!tch, I actually agree with you on that one principle: no one should be allowed to spread their influence by forcibly conquering someone else. It’s just that I think what’s good for the goose should suffice for the gander as well. And I think that perhaps you and others like you should perhaps try applying your foreign policy skillz at home. If you want to talk that talk, you need to walk that walk.

Republicans: talking to hear their own voices since 1890.



$100
I’ll send a pic of a $100-bill to the first person who can get the joke of the picture that accompanies this blog. It’s not hard! But you gotta be hip to the reference -- it’s a generational thing :-)

OH NO YOU DIDN'T Just pollute!

The Girl was poking around at some links I sent her and wound up on this funny political picture blog. Some are good, some are dumb, but one was laugh-out-loud hilarious, so I thought I’d share. It might be my favorite picture ever. The basic idea is sort of the same as the “lolcats” over at icanhascheezburger.com – take a picture, add a caption, laugh. Simple.

I’m not sure exactly why this image is so funny to me, but damned if it isn’t. It is. Ignore that. I find it hilarious. You can take a gander at it in full-scale by going here or clicking on the picture. Enjoy.

Top News Stories

Unbelievable. Un-F*cking-Believable.
Clay Aiken becomes a dad. So, what... then he’s not gay?

I don’t know. My conviction is strong. I think I still want to call bullsh!t here. C’mon, just look at that picture.



Believable. Totally believable.
John Edwards admits to affair.

This I believe. Good looking guy (relatively – seen your average politician?), the lady doesn’t look too shabby, and he was her boss. In fact, she’s probably one of a few.

I still want to meet Mrs. Clinton’s Mistress, though.

OOOOOHHH!1!111!!!! BURN!