The Afghanistan game plan: Shhhh, don't tell 'em

The problem with today’s war plans is that we tend to think that the opponents don’t have TV or something. Stupid. It’s not even really TV that’s the problem, it’s the idea that we can TELL EVERYONE what our plans are, and yet expect the opponents in battle to act as though they have no idea what we’re about to do.

Because winning at anything in life against someone else requires more than just the talents of the trade; you have to outwit your opponent as well. This is why in basketball the ‘pump fake’ is a weapon of choice, and why in football the ‘juke’ is effective — you’re not just beating your adversaries with the mechanics of the game, you’re f*cking with their minds to give yourself the advantage. War is the same. D-Day, anyone?

The whole concept of D-day was misdirection. The allies didn’t just send a memo to the Axis powers, saying “hey, 3 o’clock, behind the monkey bars. Be there,” and then everyone and their aunt showed up for a huge brawl. Quite the opposite, right? They sent out metric f*ck-tons of misinformation, that they were going to attack their battleship, that the french were coming, that the dog ate their homework, whatever they had to send to convince Germany that NO SUCH ATTACK ON THEIR OWN BEACHHEAD WAS COMING. Really, what would have been the outcome of that battle had Germany known in advance?

I like Obama for the most part. I don’t agree with everything he says & does, but I know I definitely disagree with his detractors (birthers? Just another word for moron. Rush Limbaugh? Just another word for… yeah OK, moron). But here’s one of those things, you’re trying to please everyone, and by doing so you doom the mission. If you tell me “Hey ‘bob, I’m going to fight you on the playground at 3pm, for two minutes, and after the 1^st minutes all my friends will go home, and then I’m going to turn my back on you, assume I won, and walk away,” then you know what I’ll do? Hide all MY friends around the corner until 3:01, take the beating for a minute or two, and then have you strung up and quartered, and send the pieces the feed village people. Sorry, capitalization was wrong, I meant Village People. Yeah, those guys. Tough finding work in this economy, man, I’m just looking out.

This is the same sort of mistake GWB made. It made sense when he did it, because he’s an actual moron, but to see someone with a legitimate education and an IQ to match?

Head-scratchingly dumb.

Some things, you do just need to keep secret.

We're not fat we're double portions of healthy!

I read an article on the New York Times about fat people pushing back on the Healthcare Debate. Saying that it’s a stereotype and that you can be fit at any size and/or weight.

Apparently a movement started by a lady in San Francisco:

Marilyn Wann is an author and weight diversity speaker in Northern California who has a message for anyone making judgments about her health based on her large physique. “The only thing anyone can accurately diagnose by looking at a fat person is their own level of stereotype and prejudice about fat,” said Ms. Wann, a 43-year-old San Franciscan whose motto in life is also the title of her book: “Fat! So?”

I don’t understand the debate. Why are we “pushing back” against the healthcare debate? You’re fat. You’re at higher risk of about every known condition because of it. The expenses to keep you “healthy” — or rather, “alive” — are astronomical compared to “thin” people. It’s not a question, it’s a fact. There’s no debate.

Here's from the same article, a few paragraphs down:

Extra weight brings with it an increased risk of chronic disease, medical experts say, and heavier people tend to have medical costs that are substantially higher than their leaner counterparts.

Come clean, lady: we’re “starting” this debate so you can feel better about yourself, right? Because you’re not fat, you’re big-boned!

I’d say “get over it” but that’s quite a task for a fatty. I mean, seriously: just take ownership here. You're excessively overweight and it affects your health. You're having trouble with the self-control required to avoid being that way. I get it. We all have our flaws. But don't blame ME for your fatness, lady. It's not a false stereotype, it happens to be factually backed-up and has severe consequences.

I hate this, I hate it when people are in the wrong but "start a debate" or something, essentially blaming EVERYONE ELSE for their shortcomings; "it's not MY fault, I don't lack self-control, I'm NOT FAT, YOU ARE ALL TOO SKINNY AND YOU'RE THE UNHEALTHY ONES! SO THERE! NANANANA!!"

Whatever. Grow… Nevermind. Don't grow. Shrink.

The importance of Neutral, Folks; Neutral

Have you heard of the Consumerist? You know, the website that deals with consumer issues? Maybe you have, maybe you haven’t (though now I guess you have), I only bring it up to ground my upcoming complaints:

Yesterday I read a story on some Consumer Reports testing of stuck accelerator pedal survival strategies. It was in reference to a recentl story about a CHP officer who — along with his family — died in a car accident in their new Lexus thingamajig. What happened apparently sparked a recall by Toyota for some 3.8 million cars & trucks (mine included) because the floor mat got stuck and caused the accelerator pedal to stick. Which is what happened to this dumb CHP officer and his poor, poor family (yes I’m going to Hell with all of my friends to suffer for eternity, I know don’t bother telling me).

They were traveling at like mach 2 and the guy called 911, they couldn’t unstuck the pedal and they crashed & died at 120mph. Cue crying.

OK now here’s where I scream “Darwin” folks, because there’s a really really simple solution to this problem, and actually TWO but one is better than the other. First and less effective is “turn the car off,” because, DUH, if there’s no power, there’s NO POWER and you don’t rocket to 120mph and DIE. The other, better option, is just to push the lever into neutral and brake like normal. I mean, what the hell? at no time PRIOR to calling 911 did he figure to try one of those? or hell, at no point during a 60-second phone call to 911 did he have this — or heck, A (singular) — thought? Really? Really, dude?

OK I got off-track a bit. Because here’s the things that really got my logic all riled. The commenters on the article were all discussing the event in question, and while a special few had the right ideas on what the dumb guy driving should have done (see above), too many to count were chastising the recommendations that would work because these people are a) stupid and/or b) legally retarded.

Everyone and their mother, it seemed, was saying that you SHOULD NEVER turn a car off at high speed because if it’s a newer model with the locking steering wheel function, then you’re stuck without steering at 120mph. This is infuriating to me because these idiots who don’t know are giving out bad advice to the other IDIOTS on the web who might someday find themselves rocketing into a bad situation at 120mph. Because here’s the deal, dipwads: IT’S NOT THE ACT OF THE KEY BEING TURNED “OFF” THAT LOCKS THE WHEEL, IT’S THE COMBINATION OF THE CAR BEING PUT INTO PARK AND THE KEY BEING REMOVED THAT DOES IT.

Which means that if you’re traveling at mach 120mph and you’re panicking on what to do because you have the silly feet and got your mat lodged into your accelerator pedal, seriously, turn the damned car off. It’ll work.

It was so frustrating to read all of that because it’s both wrong, and shows the complete lack of critical thinking skills the commenters are equipped with. Have they ever tried to turn a car off anywhere besides “Park”? No? Well then, probably not the best source of information regarding the matter then, huh? I mean, that’s pretty basic, right? If I want to learn to skydive stopping my local “We’ve never Skydived but we’re experts, trust us” shop on my way home for information is probably not my best bet nor in my best interest.

OK so that information was completely wrong, what else could get my panties all wadded up? Well like I said, that option happens to be the least-effective of the two that would work in the given situation. The more effective option is still to tap the gear lever into Neutral, and stop like normal with the brakes.

The scenario as given was that the car was accelerating like mad and life was on the line. A lot of people were wasting time killing brain cells of all that read their tripe by saying that they wouldn’t and therefore you shouldn’t put the car into Neutral in that situation, you should turn it off and fight it down to a stop against a now non-functional Power Steering unit, and non-functional Power Braking unit. Which while possible, is far from easy.

Their rationale? Because the engine will rev up and bounce off the redline, and BY GOLLY! It could be a really expensive fix to have that motor repaired if it bends a valve or blows a rod or seal.

(Kudos to you if you just pictured a large blubbery sea animal getting… You know what? nevermind)

How far down do you have to pull your stupid hat to come up with this lame-ass reason for not doing the right thing? I mean, we’re talking about a 3,000lb piece of metal hurling itself down a road at speeds man was never intended to travel, with the lives of all inside — and possibly the lives of others outside — on the line. Really guys? You know what, shut the f*ck up. Why? Because you might die, and possibly having to repair an engine is the better alternative, given the situation. So… Why? Why spread such stupidity on the web? Why misinform so many people?

If you have read those comments, if you heard the story and the stupid among you have said anything resembling the above, shut them out, and listen to me here:

IF YOU’RE PRESENTED WITH A CHOICE, THAT YOU’RE GOING TO DIE OR HAVE TO REPAIR AN ENGINE, CHOOSE THE LATTER.

Seriously. Browsing the internet, it’s good to see (sarcasm) that we still have plenty of stock of stupid. Can’t run out of that, now can we? Demand’s just too high.

Arts Alive: the tale of why I avoid large crowds

It’s not that I don’t enjoy going out for a night on the town, and it’s not that I don’t enjoy good company. I guess it’s just my nature, that I don’t particularly like large gatherings. Why? Take a look at this guy:

To be clear, we were not out at a “The Dark Knight Fan Club Meeting.” We were not out at a “Long live Heath Ledger” memorial group. It was Arts Alive night, a once-monthly get-together in Old Towne, when most of the businesses host walkthroughs and offer snacks, and everyone comes out to enjoy the atmosphere & festivities.

AND, apparently, wear ‘disturbed clown’ make up to showcase the fact they haven’t been hugged enough yet. So here you have it, the reason why I don’t like large get-togethers: people acting like absolute idiots and attention whores, putting so much time & effort into appearances & act, that is supposed to somehow show that they don’t care what anyone thinks… yet they spent more prep time for the event than anyone else and bothered to make sure they showed up so you could see them and they could let you KNOW they don’t care man.

I like crowds that are small enough to weed out the stupidity; I like crowds sized right, so that everyone is being themselves and sharing in the experience, not making such an effort so prove they’re not making any effort.

I’ve been here two years, and this is really the first time that my schedule has lined up to allow me to go to one of these things. How was it? Some of the art was kind of cool, and Old Towne is pretty neat in its own right. In fact I took a good bunch of pictures while there. But I don’t need 3,000 other people there to enjoy it, maybe just a handful of friends. So if I don’t get out there for another two years? That’s fine. I’ve got a new house to chill at anyway. 

Seen: Push, the Movie

Well, we all make mistakes. We watched this piece of poo, actors acted in this piece of poo, and a certain writer & director wrote & directed this piece of poo. There was some hope for it, it had some promise, but that promise quickly turned out to be a lie, much like that pony you were told you were getting for your birthday if you were a really really good kid at the grocery store, remember? Kinda like that.

We watched to the end, we just kept hoping, maybe somehow something at the end will make it all make sense. And in a way, that sort of happened, though it was after the credits, buried in the Special Features section – the writer explained that when we began researching for the film, he – and he made sure to tell us all we should do this – typed in “psychic experiments” into google, and says he was blown away that stuff came up.

I am not lying.

So basically, this movie was written because this dumbass hadn’t yet heard of the internet, I guess. Or comic books, because um, it would seem that X-men had sort of blazed this path previously. And better. Maybe he can treat us to a new movie later, called “Pull,” about a man who dresses up in a Bat costume and saves a metropolitan area from itself.

Oh and Dakota, darling? Like you a lot, but you shouldn’t let them dress you in that stuff. I was confused – should I call Child Welfare? Should I put money down your boots? Should I hug you and tell you it’s going to be OK? Is it halloween? Did they REALLY dress a super-skinny pre-teen girl in a hooker outfit in Hong Kong or wherever and expect us to believe she’s not worn-the-F*ck–out, if you’re pickin’ up what I’m throwin’ down?

F*ck; wasted a Netflix queue position. DAMMIT.