Indiana Jones and the Search for a Better Plot

I like the Indiana Jones adventures from yesteryear myself. Actually I even own the box DVD set. You know, the pretty one with all the artwork and everything? That one. Got it for X-mas about 3 years ago, it was a good gift if even in Full Screen instead of Widescreen.

BUT THIS, the newest one — Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — I was wholly unprepared for. The amount of suck was so stupendous, that I just shook my head in disbelief for the entire 3 hours it took to completely rape my mind of logic & consistency. It was like a bad, bad Saturday morning cartoon, but without the redeeming qualities such as commercials or entertainment or, hell, both.

I’m not sure I have the room to list everything that is wrong with the film here, but I’m gonna try, so bear with me:

• Everything

Whew! Wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it through that to the end! And thank you, dear reader, for sticking it through, seeing it take shape and evolve into something bigger than you and me; bigger than the sum of its parts.

That was funny, right? Good. OK now to actually bore you with some of the examples that stand out in my mind. Yeah, sorry ‘bout, kinda misled you there.

Let’s start with the corny way they introduce him. Dumb. We get it. It’s a f*cking INDIANA JONES MOVIE YOU F*CKTARDS, we knew who it was in the car, we saw the hat, the overdrawn overdramatic scene was F*CKING ANNOYING to anyone who’s even old enough to remember reruns of the series on TV.

Then there’s the next scene. Dumb. Because if the thing is magnetized so much that throwing gun powder in the air causes it to float, then BY GOLLY, other metal things will be just as susceptible — like, ALL the metal nails in ALL the boxes in the damned warehouse, or maybe all the metal in all the guns? Yeah.

And did we see him survive a catastrophic ATOMIC BOMB by putting himself inside of a refrigerator? And somehow HIS REFRIGERATOR was the ONLY thing that managed to fly out of ground zero.

The CGI was atrocious throughout. I can’t figure out why it is that a 15-year-old movie — Jurassic Park — is still the standard-bearer for special effects in movies. Just ridiculous.

And slightly connected to that thought: freaking monkeys?!!? Were they serious? I was supposed to buy that scene? Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, if you didn’t know what a Dues Ex Machina was before today? Now you do.

The whole movie felt like a train wreck that was happening at high-speed. It never slowed down enough to really try and have a plot, which I guess is good in a sense for them seeing as how they didn’t really have one, just sort of had a bunch of Dues Ex Machinas strung together with a bullwhip for posterity. And have I mentioned Sh!t Lebarf?

Yeah. He’s there. So, uh, if you haven’t yet, obviously don’t bother. Just read this intsead, yeah? If you have already? I’m sorry. I’ll see you at the meetings, guys.