Transformers? Suck-Formers

Yeah, a day or two after we slightly enjoyed Ratatouille, we decided to put in Transformers for a go. Holy F*CK what a pitiful excuse for a movie. Hey I have an idea: Someone, anyone, run over Michael Bay. Run him over good. Back up and do it again. Send photographic evidence of his death at your hands, show that you have freed our collective eyes & psyche from his atrocious “movies,” if that’s what they’re called.

Look, I’ll gladly give credit where credit’s due. For instance, this mock-script from The Editing Room is far better than the movie itself, if only because it mocks the hell out of the retardedness of Bay’s attempt at making “movies.” The visuals are awesome. The special effects wizardry was spot-on as far as I could tell. It was an impressive visual, while the special effects were on the screen.

Unfortunately for the audience, 80% of the movie is spent dealing with boring people reading bad lines in bad form. From a script that got rejected from Toilet Paper tryouts, OK? Seriously, I’m not going to spend 4,000 words bashing this f*ck-fest of a movie when a lot of it has been taken care of in the aforementioned link to the abridged script. But I will say this, though: Yeah that site is supposed to be comedy, but here’s the thing; it’s not exaggerating. I thought maybe it was. I thought perhaps it couldn’t be that bad. A movie can’t have plot holes that massive. I was wrong. The movie is actually far worse than even the mocking script can convey. Really. Yeah, that bad.

F-minus. And about that whole killing Michael Bay thing? Only kidding. Unless you succeed, of course. Then remember the photographic proof burden, OK?

I finally broke down & watched this piece of turd at the urging of a friend. At least I thought that’s what he was. I’m not so sure anymore. I mean, how mean. That was messed up, you know? He owes me. He owes me big-time. Next time I make a recommendation, he better be all over it like Michael Bay on Suck; like Clay Aiken on Gay (I totally called it, btw); like Rosie O-Donnell on ugly, you gettin’ me? No excuses – I suffered through Suck-Formers, he has to suffer through whatever I eventually come up with.

And it won’t be good. It’s going to be hard to outdo Suck-Formers, but I’m going to try.