Random bob takes a few hours off with the DEATH; Sees Visions of... Walmart?

Back from the dread
Unbeknownst to you, dear reader, I damn-near died on Friday. At least once, maybe twice.

I don’t get sick all that often. I mean, I get minor sick on occasion – you know, a slight sniffle, maybe enough snot to fill a tissue, that sort of thing – but I don’t get sick often like most people do, in that I don’t spend weeks at a time at 60% capacity, complaining and feeling like general poop. No, instead what I do, is I save that up, and once every 3-5 years, I get so sick I almost die. But while it only lasts about 4 days typically, instead of the 60% the general public feels, I spend the first day of it at about 80%, then the next two days at about 25%, and the 4th day somewhere up the ladder again near 80%. This is typical.

This last time was ever-so-slightly atypical however, in that it wasn’t 80%-25%-25%-80%, it was 40%-80%-25%-80%, just to switch it up, I guess.

And honestly, friday night (night #3) might have been more like 10%, really. It was bad. It was as bad as I can remember. I had to leave work early – I haven’t missed so much as an hour’s work since 2004. Then I headed home on a warm-ish day, with the heater cranked up to full & the windows up to keep it all in. Had to talk myself into getting out of the truck when I finally reached the house, because dammit it was already cold as it was outside, plus I was going to have to walk through the shade, and then the heater in the house wasn’t on yet, to make matters worse. And once I got got psyched up enough to run to the house, I rushed inside and turned the heater on full there too, and had to hustle to make the tub ready for a warm soak, as hot air was not cutting it, and not fast enough. And it doesn’t matter how fast a spigot can turn over some warm water, when you’re as sick as I was, it’s never fast enough. And the shower at my house? Slow on a good day to begin with.

The tub seemed like a good idea. Hell, it was a good idea. Falling asleep in it might have been a little less good, but dammit, it felt oh-so-right at the time. Like heaven. Right about until the time I woke up because I was underwater, and it got just a smidgeon worse when my consciousness arose just enough to try and return the heat to the tub, only to find that the water heater had been tapped out.

I need heated towels. How cool would that be? Well, hot, I guess. At least warm. Anyway.

I spent the rest of the night either staring at the moving picture box, asleep, or sweating profusely whilst shivering, and sometimes a combination of two of those three. Maybe even all three at some point, I’m really not too sure, it was all kind of a blur to be honest. The sweating though, it was killer. When I eventually made it off the couch for good last night and into the bed, I took with me the sweats I was wearing, because I could not be convinced to put my already-shivering body onto sheets that were not somewhere north of 100º. It wasn’t happening. Then, at some point in the middle of the night, I awoke and had to take off the sweatshirt & pants, because I had sweat so bad that they were literally soaked through. Yes, I know what literally means. Yes, I understand the difference between literally & figuratively.



The Angels, they sing for me!
When I woke up the next morning, it was like a Christmas miracle in January: I was freakin’ healed. Still a little weak maybe, but still, pretty much healed. Waking up may not seem like much, but during the bulk of the day on Friday, I was pretty sure I was going to die from this. I had thoughts of how pathetic a death it would be, being undone by the flu. The Girl having to call everyone and tell them the bad news. “What was it? Did it he die while saving animals from a fire?” “no.” “Did he die while facing down armed robbers?” “no.” “What could it have been?” “the flu.” “oh…”

Morbid, I know. But that’s about how I felt at the time. SO glad Saturday came around!



Seen but not believed while sick on the couch
It was all kind of a blur, so I may at some level be making this up, but I swear I think I saw a commercial for Walmart advertising how awesome their gift cards are. Like, some mom got one for her kid, and she’s telling us how much he likes it, because it can use it on almost anything at walmart!

What, you mean like Cash? Like he could use Cash on almost anything at walmart? Like that?

Seriously, let’s get this straight OK? Gift Cards are a total waste of time, money & effort, put bluntly. Think of about this: if they’re as good as cash, why not just give cash? And what’s more, the reality is, they’re not nearly as good as cash. You give me S20, I can buy $20 worth of whatever I want, from wherever I want. You give me $20 in walmart gift cards, I can only spend it at walmart. That I never shop at.

Look, gift cards only make sense if you are paying less for them than their value. That should be the tradeoff for the lock-in. Otherwise, you’re getting f*cked pretty hard. You drive there, you wait in line, you give them cash money of a particular denomination – say $20 – which they then turn into a plastic version that’s not accepted at all the same places cash is accepted, and has fine-print limitations on top of that at the one place it is accepted. Seems like a total scam to me.

Was it real? Was I delirious to that extent? I hope so. I hope that wasn’t really what they were trying to get me to believe: that a card of a particular denomination as a $20 but with less utility is somehow better. But then again, it was a walmart commercial. Totally feasible.



Literally. Not figuratively.
The sweatshirt I tried to put back on Saturday morning could not be worn. It was still sopping wet. I had to throw it in the dryer with a towel for 20 minutes before it began to be dry enough to wear, and an additional 10 to get it to what I would consider “dry.” So, yeah. There.