Hairless & better for it? Who'd have thought

One thing that has mesmerized me for some time has been the apparent almost backwards design of us humans. It always has seemed to me that we’re extremely weak, and in most respects not worthy of our place atop the food pyramid.

Don’t misunderstand me, I a) still think that’s mostly true, and b) recognize the importance of our higher-level thought, though more on that later. Anyway. Moving on:

One such thing that got me started on it was body hair. First it was the observation that our hair patterns are basically backwards from the rest of the animal kingdom and natural selection. Really, bear with me here, OK? Think about it, or hell, turn your dog or cat over on its back and pull up on its arms. What do you notice? That’s right, a significant density difference in hair in their armpits; animals have LESS hair in their armpits. We, however, have more. Why is that? Talk about a backwards design, huh? I mean, it’s warm & moist there, and what’s more – and probably the main reason other animals have tended to shed hair from that region – it’s a major friction location. If you’re going to get rid of hairs that might just interlock from somewhere on your body, the armpit is probably a good choice.

...Unless you’re human. Then it would seem that the best place to lose body hair would be from the large, flat, exposed regions of your body, where you’re probably most likely to have a need for hair, to protect your fragile skin and to retain body heat. Yes I know that sentence contradicts itself, PAY ATTENTION, MAN!! That’s my point – we evolved backwards, we lost hair from the portions of the body that needed it most, but retained it where it is most bothersome & problematic.

It always seemed to me that we’d be better off with a layer of fur ourselves, and that the reasoning used above was a good proof that we are indeed oddballs in the great Darwinian race. And watching my dogs go swimming in ice-cold waters that I’d need a wetsuit and a sauna to even attempt a dip into.

Until recently. There was a reason I came across awhile back that has sat in the back of my head. It sat back there so long in fact, that I forgot to write anything about it. And then yesterday, with the puncture wound story about the boys, I added reason #2 to the list of reasons our hairless body design may actually be more beneficial than not.

Reason #1 was ticks. We go out hiking a lot. And by “hiking” I don’t mean wimpy Southern California Hiking where you walk a concreted path, passing women pushing baby strollers, oh no! I mean up in the mountains, hiking down to the rivers below, with the dogs on the lookout for mountain lions (editor’s note: ha, I initially wrote “mountain loins”) and elk twice as tall as we are. We’re f*cking out there, man, we’re f*cking out there. Know what else is out there? Ticks! Damn! How’d you guess? Oh wait I said that earlier didn’t I? Sh!t. So much for the element of surprise.

The dogs have Frontline Plus. And thank god, because searching through their mounds of hair to try and find these tiny little creatures is a royal pain in the ass. So much so, that we just rely on Frontline working well, and in a few days anything that’s still alive is big enough to see easily and pull off. As for us though, we don’t have Frontline, and we don’t need it either. We just strip down, inspect each other for ticks, get all turned on and then have sex (was it good for you?). It’s easy because with the exception of our scalps, we’re pretty hairless and anything that doesn’t belong is quickly spotted. No dear, that belongs there. Trust me.

Reason #2 was the puncture wound suffered by Chase. We didn’t see it at first, it sat unattended for 30 minutes, and it would have been longer had he not sat against a white door and left a red stain; we just couldn’t see any wounds through the thick layer of hair. And once it was discovered, the first thing we did was grab some scissors and trim all the hair away, to keep it clean and easily flushable. 

What if I was wounded? Hell I’ve been wounded enough in my life, I know how easy it is to clean up after a spill or a puncture or a whatever. Wash rinse repeat. Having hair would definitely complicate matters for me. 

And suddenly, I see a great logic behind our hairless evolvement. It’s not that we’re bare and for the worse necessarily, we’re masters of our environment and when we need a fur coat, we make one and put it on. When we need to get to the skin, it’s right there, plain as day. We have the best of both worlds the way we are. And now I can’t look at the dogs and think “they’re better than we are,” I can only think “why then, do we still have hair in our armpits,”and for some of us, maybe “and why one or two in the crack (you know where I refer to)?” 

And on parting, a warning: take special precautions to avoid the dreaded mountain loin. They’re deadly :-)