Movie: Chain Reaction

Another movie that we got ahold of thanks to our “Buy a Blu-Ray Player get 1 good movie & 4 crappy ones FREE” promotion was Chain Reaction, starring Keanu Reeves & Morgan Freeman. Yeah I know, it’s kind of a draw what you might conclude about the movie considering the cast, what with the solid underwhelming performances of Keanu to base your expectations on, but then you see Morgan Freeman, and you’re like, ‘he’s good…’

Well let me tell you: You have not seen such a horrible movie until you’ve seen Chain Reaction… in Hi-Def. Nothing can fully prepare you for all the subtle nuances that the Hi-Def experience brings to this movie. I am sure it sucks on regular ol’ DVD, but to truly get all the suck that can be gotten from this film, you really need Hi-Def, folks.

And it’s not all Keanu’s Fault, either. The basic premise is alright, but the ideas holding each scene together are so hackneyed that you really just want to pray that it’s actually a comedy.

And then there’s the soundtrack. Oh Lord…

It’s as if they never considered reality. Things happen and you’re thinking “that’s ridiculous,” and you’re 100% correct yet somehow they let it happen and expect you to believe it. Keanu’s trapped on a draw bridge, yet somehow he low-crawls passed the police & FBI and escapes; no one sees him. Later, while in hiding, he calls someone who obviously has their lines tapped, but says “it’s OK, I’m on a pay-phone.” two seconds later the cops are there. Duh. As you can see, Hi-Def really makes scenes like this shine.

It continues. In one scene he escapes on one of those big fan boats over a frozen lake. He’s never driven one before, and though he’s sucking and can’t get the thing to do anything but spin in circles, manages to outrun a helicopter. Because in Hi-Def, lame fan boats are MUCH faster than helicopters, right? THEN, though everyone saw where he went, he and his Better-Looking Counterpart get so cold they stop into an abandoned house to take a warm bath, and have sardines in bed. You know, because it’s not as though the cops might search all the houses within a 5-mile radius of the lake or anything, so clearly staying there is a novel idea with no consequences.

Wouldn’t you know it, but the cops actually don’t show up, the bad guys do. Because though the cops can’t think to search homes, the bad guys know exactly where they were somehow.

And skipping to the finish here: at the end they do something that really irritates me in movies. The Baddies want to kill the good guys (Keanu and Decent-Looking), and there’s armed guards there, but rather than shoot them, they go through the trouble to lock them in a room. I mean, if you’re going to kill them… just do it. This is such a gay plot line that such gay movies follow it just sends me into a tizzy; if you ever write a script and you find the only way to continue the story from where you are is to create this elaborate scene in which they do the most dumbfounding thing to kill their enemy, just so the good guys can eventually escape… please, just back up and rewrite it. Avoid avoid avoid, OK?

I swear this is coming to an end, just bear with me for two more dumb elements.

So while they’re locked in this Room of Eventual Death, they manage to escape by using a tank of gas as a projectile to move… a solid, 10’x6’ slab of concrete covering a hole in the ground. Get this science, OK? They align the tank alongside the slab, about 18 inches from it, and put like two small books on either side of the tank to aim it straight. Then pop the top. Hilarity ensues. The tank, now apparently gifted with Hulk-Like Strength, manages to gain enough momentum in 18 inches to move this slab of concrete about 2 feet. Yeah, OK, sure guys. I’m totally positive that in reality it wouldn’t just hit the slap and then stop, until it managed to wiggle out of the books you placed along the side or anything, that wouldn’t happen I’m sure. Maybe in Standard-Def reality, but not Hi-Def reality, oh no, no way!

OK so they get out of there thanks to Martian Physics, then they’re riding up a shaft in a box being pulled by a crane. A massive blast (created by water, but I’m not mentioning that because that would make 3 more dumb elements and I promised only two) rocks the lairs they’re trying to escape from. So the blast pushes the box up into the sky, then it falls back down, bounces, and we get a close-up of the two escapees, who are huddled in the corner, completely safe and unharmed, and it looks as though they managed to not lose any limbs while they were wrapped around the box’s frame, as it was being tossed about and slamming into the sides of the shaft. Again, Hi-Def really makes this scene stand out, and you can almost touch the suck oozing from the screen in front of you.

So in closing, I can say honestly, that if you’re going to suffer through this crap of a movie, please do yourself a favor and do it in Hi-Def. In no other way can you really get the full suck effect of this suckfest of a movie. The story is crappier, the acting is worse, the plot is more absurd, and did I mention the soundtrack? Oh Lord…

Peace.